Canonship Sinking
by Endercraft33
Summary: all the characters of all the fandoms collide in this mess of a fanfic, side effects may include crack and ruined childhood
1. Chapter 1

**CANONSHIP SINKING**

**Chapter 1:**_ Abandon hope all ye who enter_

The moon was high in the sky as the hooded figure stalked trough the alley. A strange sound made her turn her head only to show a dark grin, she rushed toward the muffled screams with only one thing on her mind. Her hunger, it blotted her eyesight, she only to late realized the scene she had stumbled upon. In front of her, covered by the darkness of midnight, shaggy was submissively on the floor with in his eyes a vacant look taking Fred's meat like a boss. The hooded figure arrived just in time to hear Fred from Mistery inc screaming the command to shaggy to take it all. The hooded figure had very little self-control, and bused out in a maniacal laughter, startling the two men on the floor.

"The hell…?" Fred shouted while he was unloading in Shaggy's behind.

"Lol I s sry, rly I just needed sm blod" she said in a seductive voice (that was in no way not understandable because she knew how to properly write English like a boss and in no way botched or a pseudo neo-bastardization of this magnificent language).

"What?" Fred said having obvious problem understanding their new pervy voyeur.

Shaggy slowly lifted his head "Dude…rad man…."

"lol ur a fgt or wut m8? Wut ur doing in alley at nit? Ur jst askin to be eatn faggt"

"To hell with this" Fred exclaimed while reaching in his fabulous jacket that was lying next to the duo.

He took out a gun and pointed it at the dark and illiterate figure, and with no hesitation and the fear in his hearth that Daphne might ever uncover the horrible truth about his guys night out with Shaggy 'bowling', he pulled the trigger. The bullet hit the figure right in the noggins, forcing it to fall back. But before Fred could come to realize the price of his secret relations, the figure stood up like nothing had happened.

"WTF U FGT?111 u wot m8? R u fuking crazy r smthing? That fking hurts u muttherfuker"

Fred, in fear, raised the gun once again to shoot at this crazed atrocity that was flaying it's arms before him, but before he could pull the trigger once more, an explosion of blood revealed his now torn off arm flying through the air. In pain he screamed his lungs out as shaggy came to understand what was happening around him and started screaming in duet with his now one armed lover.

The figure slowly removed her hood to reveal a beautiful face beyond any human imagination, long white hair dancing in the wind as she removed the rest of her cloak and let in fall to the floor. Her icy green eyes stared at the duo through the night as her red lips, being nuanced by her pale color, formed a despicable grin.

She was wearing a black leather corset with a black dress underneath that went to her knees, she was wearing big black Jeffery Campbell boots with metal spikes on them, she was wearing black leather gloves with also metal spikes on them, but far sharper than the ones on her boots. Over her corset she was wearing a dark red leather jacket with black laces and a huge "Evanescence" logo on her back. Her stocking was also black and had Marlyn Manson faces on them and went up to her knees. She was wearing under that a pink underwear with the MCR logo on her butt, and a picture of Gerard Way on the front. Her bra was of black leather and in the form of two little kawaii bats on each of her breast.

She stood there in the alley looking over the two poor sods that would soon become her dinner.

Her name was Raven Thornbush, she was 274 years old, but looked like she was 20, she had her vampiric condition to thank for that long lifespan, a long and lonely existence to be sure, especially since she only heard of Marlyn Manson in the 90s, which made her daily wrist cutting sessions much more tolerable.

"Please" Fred pleaded holding the stomp of his arm "Please don't kill us"

"Yeah man" Shaggy added "We like, don't even know you, we never harmed you, dude"

Raven laughed "lol im a vampre and I need ur blaod, that's just the way things go fggt"

"Wait! here" Shaggy said throwing a pair of keys in the general direction of the vampire "Take our van! It's loaded with drugs and liquor, worth more than our lives, please, you bodacious dudette let us go"

"FUK U!11 I dn't wantz ur stupid hippy van so blow me" she said as she stomped her boot in Fred's crotch laughing and spewing more nonsense. She eventually grew tired of crushing the poor man's balls and ripped off the other arm to beat him to death, she then turned to Shaggy who had since long soiled himself and tore him in two, feeding off the blood that was dripping on her.

As she walked away satisfied with her carnage, her foot kicked the keys in the light of the moon.

"Hmm" she muttered to herself "Maybe hafin a ride coud be cool I gess" so she picked the keys now red with blood and walked away in the dark to search her new car.

* * *

"The room's a mess" Lou said for the hundredth time "We really messed up at breakfast"

The stench that hung in the small apartment was getting worse by the day, and the strange black liquid that his roommate was excreting wasn't helping the overall Feng Shue of the place.

But before Lou could finally decide on whether to stare at the Tv screen or to do something productive, the bell rang in a furious echo through the roommates hung-over heads.

With a grunt Lou got up to open the door, before him stood the landlord, an old man named Milfred, most known for his amazing collection of stamps and even more amazing collection of Hustler an weird Asian Porn.

"Milfred, what can we do for ya crazy inbred?" Lou asked with all the smoothness of an elephant walking on a turd.

"There have been complains…again"

"Like what?"

"Well, the smell for one"

"Barely noticed it"

"Also noise complain"

"Sorry, might have to speak up, my hearing has gone to shit after last night's party"

"The rent is another problem"

"Dammit Millybuddy, didn't I tell you I'll pay you as soon as I get confirmation that my liver has arrived in Ukraine"

"And also the sexual harassment from Zoe from 201"

There was a small pause "…she started it"

"Anyway, I've had it up till here, you and your freak show have one week to move out"

"hmm…"

With very little warning to his next move, Lou smashed Millfred's face in the wall, picked him up and tore the head from its shoulder with superhuman strength. Then he walked to the kitchen, picked up a straw and sat back on the couch "Second breakfast is ready" he shouted at Ken who was glued to the Tv watching SpongeBob SquarePants.

"Does he Is that Millfred-san?" Asked Ken.

"Uhu" Lou said as he popped the straw through the man's skull and brought it to his mouth.

Ken got a hold of the rest of Milfred and started to eat loudly "Hope the next landlord better taste desu" he said as his tentacles shoved an arm between its teeth.

Lou finished his slush and went to the kitchen to drink his favorite drink, pure bleach, because that's how much of a badass he was. But while trying to open the child lock he quickly realized his arm was still on the couch.

"Dammit, I sewed that fucking thing on yesterday"

Lou wasn't your average lowlife psychopath, he was your average UNDEAD lowlife psychopath. Cursed with eternal life after he died in a freak hot pockets microwave accident, he had been granted the curse of eternally life as a zombie till the end of time because the gods had deemed his death as 'lame'.

He didn't look dead, not always at least. The obvious Frankenstein-like sewing here and there often gave him away, but his often lose of limbs or body parts or the need to consume human brains were always a good conversation opener.

"Dammit Ken! Don't eat it!" he said as he saw his roommate grabbing the arm with its tentacles. The severed arm spastically started to slap Ken in the face as Lou took it back and took out a sewing needle and some thread.

At this point you might have some questions about the whole 'tentacle' aspect, well, Lou wasn't the only one that was special. Ken was the very first half human half octopus hybrid. The long lost bastard son of the great Chtulhu, back in the day when Poseidon had challenged him for the sovereign over the seas. It obviously ended with the god of the sea bend over squealing like a pig while the great and mighty Chtulhu had his way with the god's anal virginity. It is said that the great old one is so potent, that its seed can even impregnate a man. And thus, Ken was born, and quickly thrown away in the ocean by his father Poseidon who only saw the child as a reminder of his utter defeat and his still sore bum.

Ken however quickly made a name for himself and even started a career in the Japanese entertainment. Yes, those where good time for Ken, better known under his stage name: the Octorapist. Underage schoolgirls were in abundance and he had all the fame he always wanted, always looking at the sea in hope his father will acknowledge him. But with the coming of CGI and cheaper props, Ken quickly found himself on the streets only being able to star in a snuff film here and there while being high on coke and waking up days later in jail for apparently having eaten the extras.

He had found his way in the same package as a Japanese mail order bride that Lou had ordered on the internet and eaten the content, English sure wasn't his strong suit but he was learning, and he paid the rent with his little gigs, such as 'two girls 35 tentacles', when he wasn't either glued to the tv watching spongebob or knocked out behind a dumpster high on meth.

"Lou-kun, what we gonna do today? Desu bored"

"Mhe" Lou said as he finished stitching his arm "we could go brainhunting at the mall"

They both started laughing manically because the only shop that was still open after their last visit was a preppy shoe store and the luck of finding anyone with a brain there was less likely than he-man movie with no homoerotic overtones.

"No, seriously, play tha githa"

"k"

And he played, and it was awesome.

They then decided to go ride their bikes and have a picnic at the park, but before they could reach for the door, an explosion let the bedroom door fly through the living room and hit Lou in the head, taking it clean off.

"GaYNesS OVerlOAD, Cannot coMPUte" a robotic voice said as a man walked in the room.

"Why me?" Lou's head shouted, rolling on the floor as his decapitated body spastically slammed in all the walls the room had to offer.

"SourCE Of tHE GAynEss neutralized, CrISIs aVertED" MATT9000 said in a hectic voice flaying his arms up and down like a re-re bird "nO yAOi PerMiTteD WiTin 90,64372 YaRDs"

"Why did we buy this?" Lou whined.

"Desu like it" Ken responded looking up from behind the couch.

Lou and Ken had bought The MATT9000 by accident while trying to buy a toaster, unfortunately the Chinese shop owner forgot to mention that their toaster was actually a robot from the future send back to prevent one of the gayest fanfic to be written that would destroy the world by killing 99% of the world population with its graphic descriptions of male on male intercourse, and turning the remaining 1% gay, erasing any chance of the progression of the human population, unfortunately, the maker of The MATT9000 had already been afflicted by the fanfic, and had given MATT9000 some striptease and pole dancing upgrades, as well as a yellow banana string and a bow tie which couldn't be removed, and as a last pounding upon the poor machine he was unable to cover himself with clothes other that the banana tong, with the risk of malfunctioning.

"We just wanted to go on a picnic, there's nothing gay about it!" Lou shouted as his body walked out the door and fell down the stairs outside the apartment "Dammit, will someone help me?"

"Lolz k, lou, ill halp u" Raven said as she walked through the door.

"Oh god no, not you…" He said as his eyes looked around in panic.

She picked up Lou and started to throw him around in the air "Konichiwa raven-chan" Octorapist said.

"Whut append ere?" she said ignoring Lou's orders to put him down.

"CriSIs averted, gaYNeSs ClasS 3"

"ah" she said as she sat down on the couch still throwing the head up and down.

"So, what do we have your wretched presence to thank for?" Lou asked as she put him on the coffee table in front of her.

"Yes, STatE yOuR buISNEss"

"k, I av an idea to mke money and stuff"

"not again desu, last time me no walk for three days" Ken said remembering Raven's last 'gig' she had offered, which involved a movie that involved three very believable trannies that had duped poor Ken and made MATT9000 malfunction and go berserk trough the city once he saw the movie.

"no tis tim ish bettre, look!" she held a pair of keys in front of her with a smile like a nine year old who just received the biggest ice cream for free "I haf a van! We can go on adventur naw, sloving problms here and thre"

"How can we make money off that?" Lou asked.

"People very happy to pay for help" Ken stated.

"CuRRenCy fOR serVieceEs, SeemS LoGiCal"

"Mhe, it's not like we have anything better to do I guess, what kind of services did you have in mind, you old hag?"

"Donno, solfin misteris I gass?"

And then they agreed, because they were her bitches like that.

"Let's go check out your new ride"

"K, letz go"

Along the way, they found Lou's body and he had managed to put his head back on without having to give Ken a piggy back ride, they walked in search for the van that according to Raven's plot reading powers had to be somewhere close.

They found the 80's bitchin ride and their eyes sparkled as they opened the doors to the equivalent of heaven in the form of multiple absinth bottles and stacks of various mind altering goodies.

"nice rigt?" Raven said with a childish smile on her lips

"bitchin, for once I'm actually looking forward to be stuck in a close space with you faggots" Lou rearranged his head which still was slightly dangling on one side.

"etto…where do we go?" Ken asked with his eyes stuck on the stack of porn in the back of the van.

"I dnt kno, drive untl we cme across smoting?"

AND THEY DID, AND LOT OF FAGGOTRY ENSUED

* * *

Meanwhile:

"yes…It's him" Daphne said sobbing, barely holding herself together.

"All right, we just needed the confirmation, thank you and sorry for your loss" the physician closed the body bag and rolled the body back "if it's any consolation, it was over fast, they didn't feel a thing"

"Please don't" Daphne's tears flowed over her face.

"And your people didn't find anything?" a cold and calculated voice asked.

"our people are doing all they can to find the monster who did this"

Velma let out a soft chuckle "Monsters…tear down the masks and all there is underneath is a scared old man, I know of monsters, hell, we made a living hunting them down. Whatever did this wasn't a monster, there are no such things" the lit up a cigarette "just people"

"miss, you can't smoke here!

"it's all right, we're leaving anyway…come on Daphne" she said in her cold voice.

Daphne followed apologizing to the physician for her accomplice's behavior.

They walked out of the morgue "why would someone…what will we do now? They're gone…everything's gone" Daphne said sobbing

"Not everything" Velma said with a dark look in her eyes, they stepped outside of the hospital where a dog was waiting for them, Velma let her hand run along the fur on the beast "there's always vengeance"

End of chapter 1


	2. Chapter 2

**CANONSHIP SINKING**

**Chapter 2:** trust me, It'll only gets worse from here on

* * *

In the middle of the woods, two shadows were standing still, the cold air ran through the trees, carrying that autumn smell.

"I know what you are" the female said in a shivering voice.

"I want you to say it" the man had his back turned to her, his lips trembling.

"you never go out in the sun…"

"Say it!" the man shouted as he turned to reveal an angel like face and eyes that could melt the heavens.

"A vampire" she said with a small breath

The man let out a discomforting grunt "and is that what you want? Look at me!" he stepped into the light piercing through the trees "look at me" his skin started to glister like a million diamonds.

"Edward…you're beautiful" she said in awe.

"Beautiful? This is the skin of a monster, Bella"

"You sure?" she said as her head tilted to one side "not scaly and shit? I mean glitters ain't scary, scales or spikes or something, now that's scary"

"That's why we can never be together, you can't understand me!" he said as he started sobbing and violently shook his head drooling all over the forest floor "I need to be with someone who can truly see me for what I am!"

"Like who?"

"Like me" a well build Native-American boy stepped out from behind a tree and walked over to Edward while taking off his shirt.

"Jacob?" Bella said in a monotone quivering voice

"Yes Bella, he is the only one who can truly understand me" Edward said as he too began to undress to hold his now naked lover.

"Nobody wants you, Bella, you smell funny" Jacob said as his fingers ran through Edwards majestic hair "oh my god Edward, you're such a monster"

"I know" Edward said dramatically raising his hand to hide his face "I've done such horrible things"

"you will never be able to repent for those sins, everyone will always hate you" he said as he started to rip Edwards pants off in front of Bella.

"I'm such a monster! Don't look at me!"

"Bad! Bad Edward!" Jacob shouted as they started to make out and Jacob forced Edward to bend over on the forest floor while looking at Bella with a wicked smile on his face. They then proceeded chase Bella away by throwing their feces at the girl and then tried to make babies because they weren't humanz so it was tottaly possible.

* * *

The MATT9000 was rampaging through the city, shooting lasers from his crotch cannon while dancing with his disintegrated victims.

"Well, that's weird, anyway…about that payment" Lou turned toward the old man who was the owner of the old abandoned amusement park.

"ye, we sloved the misteri so now you gta pay up" raven said.

"solved? I asked you to investigate the ghost who was chasing all my customers, and you…"

"took care of it" Lou said holding his bloody trophy, the decapitated head of the man's former colleague, who had dressed up in a costume to run the park into the ground out of a grudge for his lost career "so you better pay up"

"He tasted great desu" ken said with still some of the man's arm in between his tentacles.

"You didn't have to kill him! Just plan an elaborated plan and tie him up, remove his mask and let the police handle the rest!"

Lou and Raven turned to the street where the MATT9000 was blowing up one police car after another with his crotch cannon while pole dancing on a stop sign "mhe" they turned back "…they seemed busy"

"Look, just take the money and go! I never want to see any of you degenerated idiots anywhere near my park ever again!" he tossed a briefcase which Raven snatched from the air "lol k thx"

"and for the love of god, are you gonna stop this thing?!" he said waving his arm toward the robot destroying everything while shouting how the polices frail resistance only made his nipples more erect.

"yeah…what the hell happened to him?" Lou asked.

"dunno" Raved answered while looking in the briefcase, eyes glittering with joy

"MATT9000-kun said something about the converging of the gayest energy on this part of the hemisphere and went sugoi berserk"

They headed over to the robot and told him that if he calmed down, they'd head downtown to buy him a copy of 'Men in Black Men 3, The Rebutting' which he could then proceed to destroy however he saw fit.

"VerY WeLl, BuT wE mUSt HurrY" he said as he accidently shot his laser one more time, destroying the amusement park in one fell swoop, leaving the old man with a devastated look on his face.

They got into the van and drove off "Well I think that went great!" Lou exclaimed as he stretched his legs across the dash board.

"Ken desu very proud of us today!" ken answered with an equally joyous voice, his greasy fingers holding the wheel.

"ye, bt what was that abot MATT?why did u get angry lik that u fgt? U could have ruind the job!"

"I seNSEd a gReaT distUBenCE iN thE FanFic, lIkE a mILLIon oN GreaSy FIngerS LaunCHing iN UNWAShed vaGINas anD THEn SIlENced"

"What kind of disturbance desu?"

"ThE KiND thAT CouLD EAsiLY ERRAdiCAte aLl lIFe as WE knOw iT, WE MusT StOP iT BefORe it ReACHes iT's CLimaX"

"eh, whatever, can we stop to get a mac on the way?"

"negative, I REquiRe nO nuTRItioN"

* * *

They ended up taking Chinese at the drive thru and only one employee was eaten in the process, they finally arrived at a small foggy town where, according to their homophobic android, the cause of the gay convergence was taking place.

"but, let me git tis strait, wut esqkually wil happen if we fail to stp tis ting?"

"THe UniVErse wilL cOlAPse oN ITSelF, And THiS FanfIC WiLl bEComE tHE soLe eQuivALENt oF 305 paGEs descRIBing a WORldwiDE gAY OrgY"

"male on male of female on female? Just saying, one of those could sell" Lou asked as he contemplated the idea.

"ALl thINGs WiLL beCOMe mALe, RAVen woULd grOW a Dong THe siZE oF THe EMPIRe sTAte BUilDINg, I WOulD beCOmE a REal BOy anD wE WOULd aLl geT RAMNEd fROm BEHidE By oUR PHallIC oVerLORDs"

"Kami wa watashitachi ni jihi o, we need to find the disturbance, Isogu"

"Aight, you guys have fun, I'm going to the bar to investigate the beer" Lou said as he walked off.

"u stpd faggt. Fine, we'l find t ourslef" Raven said "Matt9000, cun u feel were the engregy is cumming from?"

"i WOulD suGGest tHe woODS noRth of HERe" they started to walk toward the forest as the sun was setting.

* * *

Lou was enjoying his evening and was checking the rather well formed backside of the waitress who was bringing him his twentieth beer as a strange figure walked up to him.

"This seat here taken?" a woman asked in a cold voice

"knock yourself out, honey" she sat down in front of him and stared for a while.

"If you keep staring, I'm gonna have to charge ya, lucky for you, I charge by the hour"

"I'd figure you'd be more frightening" she said taking Lou's glass and taking a sip from it "more abstract, like a mummy or a lagoon monster" she smiled a little "I guess it's just the things I'm used to"

"You can color me confused, sweet-cheeks, cuz you're not making a damn lick of sense" Lou said wondering if it would be wrong to hit that sweet mystery behind.

"I was expecting a big pathetic mental case covering his amusingly small member with the need to dress up like an idiot and chase people around, instead, looks like I got me a half-baked Frankenstein wannabe lowlife"

"We got a beef I ain't aware of?"

"Yes, I believe we could say that" her smile faded and returned her face to the cold calculated expression he had seen earlier, she took out a smoke and placed it on her lips "got a fire?"

Lou, confused took out his lighter and lit up the dame's cigarette as she offered him one as well.

"And what" he said lighting his own smoke "could I have done to make you want to seek me out?"

"I don't believe it was anything you did really, you don't seem to have the brains for it, but perhaps one of your associate"

"And what could my associate have done to piss you off?"

"Well, ain't that the question" her smile returned as the waitress bumped into their table, it was only to late that Lou noticed the syringe planted in his neck by the red haired waitress.

"You guys made a lot of noise in the city, cop cars flying around, an entire amusement park razed to the ground, you really didn't think we'd never find you?"

Lou pushed the waitress of him and ripped the syringe from his neck "what the hell do you want?"

"Don't worry, it won't kill you, that comes after. For now you're gonna come with us, and you're gonna be a good boy and answer us a few questions, mainly if our van was worth our friend's lives"

"Well, ain't this interesting" Lou said with a grin on his face "let me make it simple for ya" he stood up and finished his beer "you're all probably looking for a skank named Raven, dresses like a hot-topic reject and has the vocabulary of a two month old cow with down syndrome, as far as killing me" he ripped of his own arm and smacked Daphne, who was standing behind Velma with a surprised look on her face, right across the face, sending her flying through the room "I'm afraid I'll need more than a large mammal tranquilizer"

Before most people in the bar were aware of the situation, Velma jumped back, picked up a beer bottle and smashed it across Lou's face as the zombie laughed at her futile attempts.

"You know, it's been a while since I've had a good brain on my hands" he grabbed her by the neck and lifted her up "So I'm gonna treat myself"

A loud shotgun blast hit him in the back as he flew forward and let Velma fall to the ground.

"Hail to the king, baby" Ash said as he reloaded his trusty sawed off shotgun "let go of the lady, creep"

Lou jumped up and decided he had had it with this shit and headed to the exit, just as Ash helped Velma up. When Lou reached the door, a huge dog jumped him and bit him in the shoulder, throwing him across the room, at that moment, Ash riled up his chainsaw hand and jumped in the action. But it was too late, Lou smacked him with his dismembered arm and jumped out the window.

"That did not go according to plan" Velma said as she helped Daphne on her feet.

"What was he?"

"A zombie" Ash said as he walked to the bar and took out a bottle of scotch "you girls never watch movies?"

"who the hell are you?"

"Name's Ash, been dealing with deadites and zombies for longer than I can remember"

"How do we kill it?" Daphne asked as Scooby sniffed around hoping to pick the trace of the undead degenerate.

"You don't, that's the whole point of being undead"

"How do you deal with them?"

"Cut them up in pieces, scatter them, in my case burn the book responsible"

"Can you help us?" Velma asked as she looked outside hoping to see the zombie leading her to his friends.

Ash walked up closer handing Velma the bottle "Sorry baby, I'm too good for this fanfic" and he walked away like the majestic badass he was moistening all panties he came across.

"Don't worry, boy" Velma said stroking the head of the dog "Soon"

* * *

"Fkin hel" Raven exclaimed as they reached the clearing "te fuc is tis?"

Before the three companion stood a wall of screeching acne ridden teenage girls reaching for miles. The stench of these creatures was unbearable and had reduced the landscape to a dreadful place where little but withered trees stood.

"wE NeeD tOO ReAcH thE CEntrE, ThAT is WheRe thE SouRcE oF tHiS anOmaly cAn Be FouND "

"how we gonna reach the middle desu?"

"i Do NoT KnoW thiS, BUt wE MuST stoP tHIS BefORE iT iS tOo LaTe"

"ho long do we hav?"

"I'D SaY ABouT 45 MiNuteS befOrE PriMaRy CLimaX coMMencE"

"We need to hayaku desu japaneese japaneese hurry up whatever"

"ten lets stp whatever is gon on n gt the hell outta here"

As these words we're spoken, a thousand eyes turned in union "Stop this?" the mass of unclean teenage girls asked "How dare you even consider stopping the most beautiful thing ever to graze this earth" a dozen girls jumped out at them, sneering.

"wat do u mean? Wuts gon on ovr tere?" Raven demanded kicking one of the girls lunging at them out of the air.

"the union of the most brooding hunk and the super nice guy who really deserve a chance" more girls jumped up at them "you will not stop this"

"shiiteru raven-chan" Ken's tentacle got a hold of one of the girl and he made her very well acquainted with a tree "we need to make a path sugoi"

"HoW dO YoU SupPoSe wE Do ThaT, mY sQuid FrieNd?"

"simlpe" Raven said as a smirk appeared on her face "through"

With lightning fast movements, the vampire tore through three girls ceasing their obnoxious squealing.

"I liKE thIS PROspECt" a crotch cannon deployed from the yellow mankini and fired at the mass.

Ken was busy fighting off a dozen of the screeching girls as he made his way forward, trying not to lose his two companions as he realized he might be overrun soon by the sheer numbers of these creatures. But just as the pack of girls had him surrounded, an industrial mowing tractor appeared in the clearing. The tractor ran through the mass and limbs flew in a bloody galore. The tractor stopped near Ken and the door opened "get on bitch, we gon have ourselves a joyride" said an intoxicated Lou. Ken jumped on top of the tractor using one of the girls as a bludgeoning weapon against anyone who would try to tip the tractor.

"You dare?" the mass said in an ominous voice.

"Seems like I'm late to the party, what happened?" Lou asked using his windshield wiper to get rid of all the gore. Raven and the MATT9000 jumped on top of the tractor "te source of th prob was garded by thes betches, tings escualatated in a fihgt"

"fuck this noise, let's get the hell out of here before we get ripped to pieces"

"dO I NeeD tO rEMInD yoU oF tHE PhalliC ApocAlYpSe?"

"Raven with a dick, got it, how do we stop it?"

"RuN tHiS machINErY tHrouG iT, i bElIevE iT ShoULd SOLve tHE ISSue"

"All right, hold on to something faggots, this is going to get rough"

the tractor tore through the screeching mass at full speed, Raven, Matt9000 and ken fought to their heart extend, kicking off everyone climbing on, ripping their enemies limb from limbs. Eventually the tractor made it to the middle, only to start to smoke heavily form the over usage and the damage it had received from the trip.

"Hayaku! Everyone-sama get off, it's going to explode!"

The group barely made it as the tractor went up in a fiery explosion, consuming the remaining of the screeching mass.

"tHe GayNeSS haS APPEAReD" Matt9000 said as he raised a robotic arm toward a tree, under which two men were in the middle of a very romantic session of lovemaking "10 mInuTeS tiLL enD oF tHE uNIverSe"

"all this just for two guys banging? Seems a little overkill"

"I sense that there is more to this desu" Ken said, still trying to untangle a traumatized girls from his tentacle.

"tat's hot" raven said slightly blushing over the two guys using their tongs in very creative manners.

"All right, let's cockblock these assholes and save the universe"

"I really wouldn't recommend that" all four turned to find a girl appearing from behind a tree "I don't believe you understand what's before you" she continued in a monotone voice.

"te fuk r u?"

"Bella, I am a character written in this story as a vessel for all horny teenage girls and lonely moms to know what it would be like to be plowed by an undead rocking hunk because their lives are so sad, I guess you could call me a bland love interest to a teenage girl's wet dream" she walked closer as the group felt an ominous feeling aching their guts "or at least, that's what I would have been if you four retards hadn't messed with the primordial script"

"Well, real sorry about that but we've got to save the universe and all that heroic shit, so fuck off sugartits"

As Lou waked forward an unseen force pushed him back with the force of a speeding car, launching him through the air.

"Now, I have no choice but to reveal myself" she continued with that monotone voice of her

"U fucken hav'n a giggle u cheecky cnt? Ill rip yer fuken hed off a shov it up yer…" another force field pushed the vampire in the ground, as if an invisible giant anvil had dropped on her and her surroundings.

"I shed this Mary Sue and show you why you don't mess with other people's work"

Bella grabbed her own face and yanked, tearing skin like a cheap Halloween costume, after a flash of light, another woman stood in her place.

"I am the author" announced Stephany Meyer as she stepped forward.

"well, fuckeruuu" Ken said

"All right, color me lost" Lou said getting up, replacing his arm "the fuck you on about?"

"you idiots ruined everything, the flow of the story, my characters, you corrupted them with your stupidity" she turned to the two men making love "but I guess some things can be salvaged, I wouldn't ever have dreamed to write about this, so I guess I should thank you guys…" she said as she blushed and her handgrip tightened on her leg.

She turned her attention to the four friends "you will not take this away from me"

"I aM aFraID wE muST" Matt9000's crotch cannon fired at Meyers "We Can NOt leT THiS contiNUE"

Meyers raised a hand and the beam split around her, hitting an invisible barrier "out of fear of destroying this universe? You idiots" a force-field send the Matt9000 flying through the air "you already did" Ken jumped up at her, but was easily shot through the air.

"all right" Lou said making his way to Raven who had climbed out of her hole "how the hell are we going to fight against THAT?"

"I'l rip her 2 pices" Raven said clenching her fist

"I sUgGest doINg iT faST" the Matt9000 pointed to the couple under the tree "tiMe GroWS shORt"

Raven jumped forward using her vampiric speed to her advantage as the MATT9000 readied his canon now recharging. Meyers simply raised a finger and Raven was on the floor, bleeding and screaming.

"It's no use"

"EaT mY plAsMa aNd cHOkE on tHE sHAFt yoU TArT" a red beam hit the invisible barrier again, but the robot kept shooting.

Lou ran to the couple hellbent on breaking their intimacy but Meyers rose her second arm and stopped Lou in his tracks. The fight on two fronts made her lose her concentration and her barrier grow weaker, showing cracks letting some of the red light touch her face.

"HoW Do wE caLL tHIs again, mY sqUId friend?"

"bukake, bitch" Ken said as he rose from behind Meyers and grabbed on to her with his tentacles.

Another force-field pushed him away, but his tentacles held on, Meyers was doing her best to keep all three opponents at bay, but Lou was pushing forward, slowed by the decreasing force-field.

"Stop it right now!" Meyers screamed as the tentacles grip tightened and her barrier was slowly breaking from Matt9000's beam canon "You can't stop this" the ground began to shatter as reality began to fade and the sky blackened. The force field broke and the beam passed through, Meyers dodged and the beam hit ken who was propelled back, setting Meyers free, who unleashed her full force on Lou, tearing him apart. "you dare to challenge a god, you cannot fight against the author. I will destroy you all and my masterpiece will be achieved" Matt9000 fell to the floor, completely spend. A force-field flew what was left of Lou over to Meyers, who grabbed him by the neck and held him up "What say you now, destroyer of creativity, butcher of sagas? WHAT SAY YOU NOW?"

Lou spoke through the blood with pain aching every bit of his body "ain't gay if it's in a three-way…"

Meyers eyed widened as her gaze fell on the two lovers under the tree, now not alone anymore, as raven, tits out, panting, asked "room fo 1 mor?"

Meyers screamed, but was quickly silenced when Lou's arm pierced her chest and Ken held her down.

* * *

The sky returned to normal and it was as if the end of the universe never had occurred. Ken dragged the Matt9000 and rebooted him by switching the power of and on again. Meyers glazed at Lou, who was re-attaching his leg, in a raspy breath, she said "You killed it…my masterpiece…you destroyed it"

"Ain't much of a masterpiece if it's just someone trying to make money of their wank material"

"it was foolish, someone will take my place, I can feel the writing it already…you don't understand, you destroyed my work, in this universe, you can't…the primordial script…it was never meant to be altered"

"What are you talking about?"

She looked up at the sky, reaching a hand up, feeling the wind blow through her fingers one last time.

"it's all falling apart…" a bittersweet smile appeared before she gave her last breath.

Raven returned after having exchanged some numbers for a great booty-call, she found her three friends around the dead author.

"etto, ain't it going to be a problem if they…" ken asked looking at the two men walking away romantically holding their hands.

"WitH tHE AUthOr gONE, theiR ACtioNs aRe tHeiR oWN, I Do nOT fORsEe a ProBlem"

"so t was tis betch wo caused al tis/?"

"As long as the universe ain't gonna explode any time soon, I don't care about what kind of butt stuff goes on"

"Agreed, Lou-kun"

"lets git bach to de van, tis hole ting was bullshit n im tired"

"BeT yOu aRE"

They made fun of Raven the whole way through for having slept with a furry and a glitter-skinned pussy as they left the quite little town in search of more bullshit to cause and debauchery to be had.

* * *

The van disappeared in the distance as Velma and Daphne drove toward the horizon. Daphne had a pack of ice on her face and Velma was deeply lost in thoughts.

"You've been quite, Velma" Daphne said, breaking the silence.

Velma answered, her eyes still fixated on the dark road that stretch before them "what do you want me to say, that we failed, that we were underprepared, that we would be dead if not for some stranger? Do you want me to say that?"

"It wasn't your fault, Velma"

"You could have been killed, I was stupid"

"So could you! It was my choice to go along with this, you didn't force me to do anything"

"I won't let anything happen to you ever again, I wouldn't survive losing you, losing more friends. I will end them and we will have our vengeance"

"nobody could have foreseen that he was…this thing, don't blame yourself, please"

Velma stared in front of her, ignoring the dog in the backseat sleeping "yeah, next time, we won't arrive empty handed, we'll be bringing some surprises of our own" she made a turn and lost the van's backlight once again to the distant darkness. She'll catch up to them though, she always would.


End file.
